Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
