2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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