Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
