Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
