well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
