My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
