Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
