She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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