i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
