So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
