I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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