my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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