So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
