Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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