our cab driver is having phone sex.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
