I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
