Swine flu is the new snow day.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize