I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
