Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
