Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize