they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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