I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
