I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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