I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
