bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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