my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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