I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Apparently you make a good broom.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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