I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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