Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
