i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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