she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
