Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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