i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
