no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
