You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
we should paint friendship bongs
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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