I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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