Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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