just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
YAS. BRING CRAB.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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