Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize