Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
