so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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