you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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