I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
