Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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