They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
