Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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