Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
