idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
