the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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