So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
