So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
