You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
