oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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