New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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