Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
