I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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