the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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