If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
