hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
