Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
